Game News

Crusader Kings 3 patch notes are hilarious

Published: 00:25, 01 October 2020
Updated: 06:38, 01 October 2020
Paradox Interactive
Crusader Kings 3
This throne room needs some artifacts to fill the space

Paradox Interactive released a massive patch for Crusader Kings 3 but while listing all the changes would be too much, we picked out 45 funny highlights.

Sims already had their fun with silly patch notes and it's time for Crusader Kings 3 now. If you want to see the entire block of text that is masquerading as mere patch notes , you can do so on the official forums. 

However, if you would just like a few funny highlights, we've got you covered. These should be especially funny if you're not a CK3 player and just read them out of context:

  1. Vassals of vassals are now able to declare war on vassals of their liege's liege 
  2. When your spouse is also your heir in your latest save, we don't clone them to show them twice in the main menu 
  3. A Head of Faith will no longer forsake their religion if your spouse is charming enough 
  4. A faction will no longer courteously greet you before calling you a tyrant 
  5. A zealous character will now sweat a bit about committing adultery 
  6. Added a 10 year cooldown to childhood events if the child decides to kill the animal instead of adopting it
  7. Updated conditions for rival in seduction events so they don't bonk you in the head while imprisoned 
  8. Babies will no longer be assigned commander traits through a yearly event 
  9. Barons married to other landed characters will no longer be naked 
  10. Blocked the seduction of characters who are imbeciles or incapable
  11. Child preacher in event must be of age 4 or older
  12. Children are no longer encouraged to pick up more spouses
  13. Children can no longer be educated by hardened criminals 
  14. Children can no longer start a literalist debate 
  15. Children, imprisoned, and incapable vassals can no longer demand that you host a feast 
  16. Compassionate character are now told that blackmailing people is stressful 
  17. Devouring people will now have a clearer impact on your stress level
  18. Head of Faith looks at incest as a divorce reason based on faith's doctrines
  19. Historical characters will no longer be their own parent
  20. If people start to murder your courtiers the experience will now be much smoother
  21. If you instantly regret romancing someone the game will now accept that you've moved on
  22. If you promise a vassal to educate their child they will now be miffed if you try to return the child
  23. Infertile spouses will now no longer wish each other 'a long life and many children'
  24. It's now possible to negotiate an alliance even if your family is very inbred
  25. Lowborn bastards no longer try to belong to a House
  26. Married couples will no longer be exposed as if they have an affair if they're also lovers
  27. Naughty children go straight to jail with no education
  28. People are now less eager to marry people they are terrified off
  29. People that are terrified of you are now more likely to agree to marriage, as long as they don't have to marry you
  30. People will no longer judge you harshly for breaking a betrothal to an Eunuch
  31. Physicians are no longer in two places at once when sick
  32. Sick characters now dress the part
  33. Sneaky people will now wear sneaky clothes
  34. The Catholic Pope now wears the correct clothes
  35. The Pope can no longer publicly accept cannibalism
  36. Two players having a child together will no longer have a screaming competition about the name
  37. Women will now be punished for having too few consorts
  38. You are no longer malnourished and obese for life
  39. You can no longer demand liberty from a chill liege
  40. You can no longer lose a friend you didn't have [AltChar note: Boy does this one hit hard]
  41. You can no longer owe a favor to yourself because of a necklace
  42. You can no longer remove your vassal's guardians all nilly willy
  43. You no longer is the real father, you ARE the real father!
  44. You wife will now leave your kids behind if she flees your tyranny
  45. You will no longer be stressed out if a spouse you dislike dies

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