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Opinion

You have to see this: AC Valhalla patch notes are just too funny

Published: 13:21, 18 March 2021
Altchar
A large legendary moose from AC Valhalla kicking Eivor's butt.
Assassin's Creed Valhalla's patch notes are the last place you'd go for a few chuckles, but here we are.

We've had our fair share of Assassin's Creed funny glitches in recent history, but I never thought that patch notes for the Ubi game could make me chuckle, like those for Title Update 1.2.0 did.

So, I was sitting in a coffee house, sipping my second espresso and listening to Freddie Gibbs's 'Alfredo' album on Spotify when it hit me that I didn't read the patch notes for the last Assassin's Creed Valhalla title update, and I was planning to hop back into it, so why not inform myself about what's patched and what's not while at it, right?

The patch was released three days ago, I know that much because it started downloading when I woke my PS5 up from rest mode (why it didn't update while in rest mode is beyond my humble knowledge), ahead of the next Assassin's Creed Valhalla in-game event, the Ostara Festival (starting today, March 18).

Eivor from Ac Valhalla holding a cat in his arms outdoors in the open field When not romancing Randvi, Eivor spends his free time cuddling (suspiciously large) cats. (PS5 screenshot)

As soon as I started reading the patch notes for the Assassin's Creed Valhalla Title Update 1.2.0, I started giggling more and more the deeper I was getting into it.

Why? Well, whoever is writing these patch notes is one hilarious person, let me tell you that. This person is a pure genius. I just wish there were more of these punchlines at the end of various sentences. I took the liberty to copy and paste them all here for you, so you can have a couple of genuine laughs like I did.

  • There will now be more cats throughout England. The best clutter. 
  • Improved character physics behavior when running up the stairs. Clothes no longer go brrr. 
  • Addressed an issue in In Absence of an Ealdorman that prevented players from completing the quest when the brooch was already collected. Everyone liked that. 
  • Addressed an issue in An Island of Eels that prevented players from completing the quest as it was moved to completed quests. Put that thing back where it came from or so help me. 
  • Addressed an issue in Heavy is the Head that caused Ivarr to no longer move. Yes, he’s Boneless, but... 
  • Addressed an issue that caused players to sink to the bottom of the ocean when jumping from the long ship without having learned the Leap of Faith. Altaïr knows the feels. 
  • Addressed an issue that caused Randvi not to cross the bridge exiting the settlement. It seems the wind calls her to the other side. 
  • Addressed an issue that caused the hidden blade to be missing from Eivor. Not worthy KEKW. 
  • Addressed an issue that caused guards to climb on burning roofs. Just why?
  • Addressed an issue that allowed unconscious NPCs to be inflammable. And I oops.
  • Addressed an issue that caused oil jars to explode when assassinations were performed nearby. Say what dot gif.

And probably the best one:

  • Addressed an issue that caused dead pigs to return to a standing position after fast travelling. Mommy, pick me up I’m scared.  

I'll have to go back to older title updates to see what jokes are waiting for me in there, but I now know that I'll be eagerly waiting for the next patch notes for AC Valhalla, because they are simply unique and fresh in the ocean of boring patch notes we usually get.

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