We'd all like to live - and play - in a world where each individual brought a unique set of perspectives and talents. Predictability is more common though - yes, hell is other PvPeople
Classifying and cataloguing gamer types is a time honoured tradition and one we nearly all do - at the very least on a subconscious level.
Long experience at PvP, both as a mewling noob and as the kind of grizzled veteran who doesn't like to learn people's names because "I'll only see you die in the end", has taught us many things. One of these planks of wisdom is the ability to assess the likely worth of an individual player within moments of their first comment in chat or on the mic.
We're not always right of course, but MrCongo's Rapid Player Value Likelihood Index has an enviable buffoon detection rate, except when it doesn't work.
So we'd like to present a few of the more irritating archetypes we've discovered as we've hacked/shot/stabbed/channelled/blasted/summoned and sighed our way through multiple worlds of PvP. And make no mistake, we've all displayed elements of at least one of these at some time or another.
This is what they say: "Thanks for help guys."
This is what they do: Charge in unexpectedly, usually into a situation with survival odds considerably south of 33 percent, when nothing that is currently occurring would make such a reckless roll of the fate dice a rational decision.
Their impulsive decision making is entirely everyone else's fault. The lack of ability to read what is occurring in the mind of such a player is a failure of your own telepathic powers.
What they just saw was a potentially game-winning play that went wrong because they were unsupported. What you saw was a senseless piece of ocean-going twattage.
The verdict: It's a tough one. There is the possibility that you did misread the situation and an intervention would have had excellent results. This is usually not the case. Telepathists are the type of people who don't indicate when driving. Who stop taking sugar in their coffee and don't tell you until you've put the sugar in. There is almost certainly some correlation with premature birth too.
Imperial War Museums
This is what they say: "Just lose fast."
This is what they do: Decide at the very start of the game that your team is going to get a beating close to the magnitude of a humpback whale slapping a grape.
There are many reasons they can come to this conclusion - any indication in the game of the ability of the enemy team or indication of their own team's lack of skills; a clan/guild/team or player of repute on the other side; a reading of the composition of their team vs the enemy composition - all these are valid triggers for The Defeatist.
Any decent player - or a player who wants to learn to be good - won't react like this. Yes, you might get that cetacean-sized beating but in the process you might gain some knowledge. You might take one of the bastards with you. And you'll sure as eggs-don't-bounce learn nothing if you don't put up any resistance.
Also, if the uber-strong team has decided they will win at the start - they're more likely to make mistakes. Not always, but sometimes. Cockiness comes before a fall.
The verdict: Life has been hard on The Defeatist. Or it will be if they're still only 15. The famous words of Marshal Foch, "my centre is giving way, my right is in retreat; situation excellent. I shall attack", mean zero to such quivering snowflakes. And there's little remedy for such people - you can't pour molten iron into a jelly mould with any hope of success.
This is what they say: "Everyone follow me."
This is what they do: Truly, The Positivist is a miserable case. And such misery comes from a monumental disparity in expectation versus ability. They start a game in a frame of mind that tells them it is them, and only them, who understands how to win this particular match. This feeling won't have surfaced in previous or subsequent matches, no - it's just this one. They feel the light of the heavens on them, a moment in time where their decision making is perfect and they cannot be harmed by their fellow man.
They are entirely wrong of course. This then causes what we shall call the "recrimination phase". Having been pole-axed by the reality of an ass kicking, they are sorely, sorely, disappointed by the rest of their team, without pause to reflect how they brought the dire situation upon themselves. They will also broadcast this disappointment.
The verdict: Harnessing the Power of Positive thinking has never extinguished a raging inferno nor created the perfect sausage from sawdust. Having a Plan and Taking the Initiative are not the same as mindless optimism. Happily, the false belief The Posivitist harbours is usually like a nasty rash - over time, and with constant thrashing, it will dissipate, never to return.
This is what they say: "Idiot noob."
This is what they do: We are going to call in expert witnesses here - Mr Dunning and Mr Kruger - and if you're averse to reading, we can sum up their findings thus: Some people are too stupid to realise they are stupid. The Denialist can exhibit all of the above three other behaviours - but with the added ingredient of having the analytical abilities of a rock in a swamp. Nothing, we repeat, nothing, they ever do has any consequences that are of their own making. Things just happen to them and it's everyone else's fault. They couldn't discern a pattern in wallpaper, never mind competitive gameplay.
The verdict: We can supply little of succour here. If we squeeze really hard, this small thought dribbles out - if these oxygen thieves are sometimes on your team, it stands to reason that sometimes they will be on the other team. We leave you with these wise words:
"Great fleas have little fleas upon their backs to bite 'em
And little fleas have lesser fleas, and so ad infinitum
And the great fleas themselves, in turn, have greater fleas to go on
While these again have greater still, and greater still, and so on."